Selfish

I forget where i am. Disappointment stuck in my head. Often times I'd given up on these words that linger and want to be said. I fight with myself on how I can say without being an idiot about it. Making it make sense on paper (or on screen). My words stringed together not just haphazardly.

I'm cold. What i can taste is the bitterness of acid reflux, although i know very well that its not that which is making my stomach churn and turn. I keep thinking, like its an addiction. I want to know and understand. Why it's like soaking in stagnation, unmoving, like catching mold or letting cobwebs form around me.

it comes to knowing how much I am unrealized, within myself. From petty and trivial insecurities to unresolved issues that I've long since set aside, tried burying in locked pages deep beneath my psyche.

I've always been unsure about everything. At some point gained confidence when i thought that I've found myself, through sports, through writing, through being a figure outside of what i pictured in my head. What its been like is like mixing a deadly cocktail of frustration, shame, what ifs, causes, and poor excuses...

Caught in either the blurred past and indefinite future, if not then i'm walking around moving my feet without any clear destination not wanting to think about where i'm heading.

What else is there after doing what I need to do? I'm left with either Feeling or Thinking. oh... the first would be DECIDING after all. Fighting and deliberating in my head. What to do, How to do, When to do, Where to do, Why do? To decide how to feel, when to think, why do i feel and how to appropriately deal. A hundred million simple questions with a hundred million complex answers. where do i start? when does it end?

I am selfish, beyond what i do for my family, it starts and ends with me. That's where my guilt starts, not being sure if i'm still allowed to think that way and feel the way i do. Then i become a hypocrite when i say that i'm being selfless when i give the time and effort to do so. And i build up my shame slowly, thinking of this guilt about being selfish and giving myself the freedom of thinking i have a right to still look for that something else which will give me the satisfaction i yearn for.

I've been missing myself. Looking back to all the connections that I've made and lost. Sad knowing that when i've only started finding the pieces, i'd loose it, leaving gaps in between who i was and what i will be. Its a matter of establishing myself as a someone who is... right now, just a someone. Besides being a daughter, sister, niece, friend, mother? and used to be student, writer, athlete, player... being me is a blank as far as i am comprehending right now. It feels like a void, treading the edge of a rocky and slippery path with bare feet. Where am i heading to? beyond the patience and diligence, the indomitable spirit that i used to swear to and the perseverance to fight, the creativity and tenacity of the words that used to mean something other than just an expression of conflict between logic and emotion.

I need to find her soon, before I give in to merely existing.

  ~mje Friday, August 28, 2009 at 1:44pm