ten weeks

Hate mondays?
its not that, i guess...
something about "the first"
the anticipation,
the slight anguish,
the butterflies that never goes away,
something about the unknown,
its just a bit scary
that beginning

double edged sword

its both easy and hard at the same time
start from scratch, sort of...
should keep moving forward
and carry out things learned from yesterday.

not ready? heck.. start!

pop quiz. here you go
number papers 1 through 25
math problems, text chapter test!
fun stuff huh... wooh.
push yourself, finish quick, master fast!
review, read, study, memorize
done? better be done!
not yet, just a minute, or an hour.

tick.. tick... ten weeks just split
past and back up to the start
wait for the signal.
make sure to not trip.
it's not a marathon
just a lite,quick mile sprint.

make sure to not forget potassium,
in case them myos cramp up,
don't ever want an infarction!
for brain and face farts and butt burps,
leave the shelter of the classroom
and go out to the real world.

  ~mje Saturday, May 1, 2010 at 11:10pm

Playground 04.16

He's sorry again...
For forgetting his place
and for letting it play out this far.
There He goes again...
back in that corner
Staring at the lines
He should have always stayed in.

A boy whether truly naive
Wishing to just play..
testing out forbidden limits,
That imaginary best friend
His utmost necessity
being and knowing it's
Right where he needs it.

And his playmate's forgotten too
the rules when they play
Tuck her knees in below
to make the swing go
up up and away...
where her mind wants to stay
hoping to feel them butterflies
as she sway.

  ~mje Saturday, May 1, 2010 at 10:11pm

kimochi

You say “I love you”
I say “you too”
with a sad smile,
a pinch of pain,
dose of delight,
bit of bitterness,
a tad of anger,
dab of doubt…

this is what you do,
ever so consistently
without falter.
Stir me up so bad
to the point of surrender.

  ~mje Saturday, May 1, 2010 at 10:07pm

Conscious State

There is no firm ground
from which she can stand
nor lie on,
as like a cherry plum
bouncing away
in the rhythm
of an echoing drum.
anticipating the break and ruin
of that deathless thumping,
pounding ,
beneath her tender skin,
hope he hears
the nonchalant
muted fracture.

Do tell how to cease
the stagger and swagger.
in search of, if any
composed interlude.
he can never tell,
she endures through
way confounding nausea
reticent breathing drawn
in vacant chasm
of unsettling.

hiding behind filthy tresses.

  ~mje Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 11:25pm

Kawalan

nawawala
ang mga salita
na gustong bigkasin
ng aking dila
anong magagawa
kung ika'y isinuka
niluwa nang bigla
galing sa bibig
na isinumpa
nakakatawa o nakakaawa
sadyang ligaw
na pagnanasa
pagnanais na di mawari
pinaikot ng inikot
hangat nawala
ang sarili

tanong ay diprensya
ng bigo sa sawi
binubuksang pilit
ng iisang susi
ang kaisipan at
damdaming puno
ng kinalawang na
sandosenang kandado,
nananatiling sarado
sa mga minatamis
mong salitang sinasambit
'di magawang maiulit
ang pagbukas
at pagwakas
ng ninanais na
makaranas
ng isang katotohanang
wagas.

  ~mje Saturday, April 3, 2010 at 7:19pm

Asphyxia

overwhelmingly shallow
how senseless it seems
to pass over.

chose to feel it that way
for it runs to deep
and i cannot contain
and fathom how it runs
into the recesses

would only feel the breeze
ice cold and slightest sound
give me chills

it does not linger, instead
has long been dead
not buried but a slowly
deteriorating spirit
intoxicating the water.

floating passively, haunting
as if a marker
a constant reminder
this psyche overfilled
with deceased dreams
rotting memories

bathing in bitterness, miseries
regrets and unfulfilled wishes

no one else witnesses these
except those eyes that rest
painfully beneath tired eyelids

no such place as an escape
so much is the pathetic-ness
of those undefinable meanings

you breathe and exhale
without much life
just borrowed breath
and a death wish.

  ~mje Friday, April 2, 2010 at 12:48am

Not so random... just a bit ambiguous

>> very much doubtful and hundred percent uncertain.

~ "Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision. Doubt brings into question some notion of a perceived "reality", and may involve delaying or rejecting relevant action out of concerns for mistakes or faults or appropriateness. Some definitions of doubt emphasize the state in which the mind remains suspended between two contradictory propositions and unable to assent to either of them "

~ " Uncertainty must be taken in a sense radically distinct from the familiar notion of risk, from which it has never been properly separated.... The essential fact is that 'risk' means in some cases a quantity susceptible of measurement, while at other times it is something distinctly not of this character; and there are far-reaching and crucial differences in the bearings of the phenomena depending on which of the two is really present and operating.... It will appear that a measurable uncertainty, or 'risk' proper, as we shall use the term, is so far different from an unmeasurable one that it is not in effect an uncertainty at all."

~ unpredictability; indeterminacy; indefiniteness. hesitancy...

~ It's not that much fun to be uncertain and doubtful of that one thing that actually meant the most... everything else comes crashing down. its like having a loose keystone hold up the arch of sanity.

  ~mje Wednesday, March 3, 2010 at 11:40pm

Let's play dumb

Who am I to you again?
Coz you always manage to confuse
This little brain of mine
and is it up to me to choose?
Let’s make options
Point them out
as A, B, or C
Then later comes a D
Oh wait, its actually between
One, Two or Three.
Plus Four!

This is how messed up
you make me
And it gets tiring to play
Blindfolded guessing games
with… Oh no.
it’s not you,
it’s not me either.
Wait, change of plans
Let’s do this instead
But head back to square one.

Do you like the adventure so far?
Like going through a great mystery
And a thousand mile hike in one
Where you find some comedy
And sure fire entertainment to boot
With a mega-dose of romance
Add on extra side of tragedy.

Such an awesome trip so far huh…
Although I wish it was just that.
Sitting patiently waiting for an ending
To come get the bad guys
and some peace of mind for this one.

  ~mje Friday, February 5, 2010 at 1:23pm

Cold Turkey

There is a conflict between senses and perception where lines blur in feeling happiness and pain.
Perhaps its a glitch that needs to be corrected or a program that ought to be rewritten.

Is there really a difference between searing hot coffee and freezing ice cream stick?
Or the feeling of that dull, painful brain freeze and the likes of inhaled water in the sinus.

Little things like goose pimples from the cold air and the numbing of toes and fingers,
or the ones gotten from a warm breathe on the neck or them fluttering butterflies.

Keeping eyes closed with the wish of forgetting that pang of anger...
or that little bit of hope... or holding on to that fleeting gust of happiness...

But it always get washed away, slips through and blown over..
leaving a small tear in the unconscious each time and yet
I never tire of waiting...

for the next time i get burned, defrosted and cooked and eaten,
while the rest of me get tossed back in the freezer.

  ~mje Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 9:03am

Desire

Please talk to me
Wash these worries away
Let my wavering soul escape
and be soothed by your voice
I promise I'll listen here,
Quietly
So I could at least wear a smile
just for a little while.

Please tell me your story
Anything to bemuse me
for my voice is locked
Somewhere beneath
the silence I declared.

Please don't ask
so i won't have to
say anything
I have no more right to
I'll just keep quiet
Muted
My heart shut for you.

  ~mje Sunday, November 22, 2009 at 12:19pm

It's Who (p.1)

It's Who (p.1)
by Mae Espiritu on Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 5:33pm
Who feels what around who? Oh you know. Quit playing dumb just coz you think its fun and it'll be easier than what's true. But it's still scary, like red-flag words a certain who don't want to hear. So this who is not he or she? Preferably an it so it wouldn't be that difficult.

>>>

It was simple before It met Who. It was nice and carefree as a single It was true. It liked Who very much from the beginning. It started to always smile whenever Who is around. It watched Who everyday and this made It’s day. It had so much fun hanging out, not even necessarily with only Who’s there. It was exhilarating being around Who, just knowing Who is somewhere around calmed It down. It thought that as long as It has Who, It will be ok.

It did It’s thing, and Who did Who’s thing… Some time passed by and things started to swing. It started wondering about Who. It wants to know how Who is. Slowly It was trying to get closer to Who. Who’s fun and dreamy, Who has It’s full attention even though Who doesn’t really know It. It doesn’t know Who much either, just that Who is wicked awesome and Who would be great person to be with.

What It did was give hints, trying to know how Who really is. Asking Who questions and hanging out with Who and friends. It was exciting for It to be doing this. Even though It was risking something It was going to find out It will be regretting much later on. It wasn’t a conscious decision when It began to have feelings for Who. It was clear that It liked Who, after about a few more months It realized how Who made It senseless to think.

Who is cool, indeed very cool. Who is naturally charming and attractive person, at least all these things It saw in Who. The more It thought about Who, It gradually fell in love. That stupid four letter word that sealed It’s fate to be forever devoted to and will only have eyes for that one Who. It felt so happy that It got so dumb. Seriously totally and utterly dumb, It’s journey to a broken heart has begun.

  ~mje Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 5:33pm

Glitched

Inside this chest lay a burden
So heavy it can’t be moved
Be it shove, thrust or heave
Yet refuses to give way
It holds neither importance nor value
Why does it remain stubbornly fixed?

Outside the chest looms a cloud
So dark it’s persistently feared
Be it the sun, wind and air merely
Move on as though it isn’t there
It holds frightful bolts of ruin thus
How does it remain tirelessly still?

Alongside the chest wails a bell
So minuscule it’s hardly perceived
Be it flung, thrashed or banged
Repetitively unseen and heard
It holds significance and truth
When will it be made sense of?

Underside the chest remains a hole
Subsist beneath a mouth so small
Be such a leviathan space erode
Denotes an onset of a purge
It holds the entirety of animation
Who does it require to fix this?
Stupid glitch.

  ~mje Saturday, October 17, 2009 at 11:58am

Nostalgia

Can’t drown you out
with however much
tears may fall
from my tired eyes.
The memories
of your sour words
with guiltless smiles
and laughter
haunt my ears.
All this time
I was a fool
to think that
I’ve scratched you out
from under my skin.
To remember what I
purposely tried to bury,
is like burning myself
slowly.
Again for the nth time,
I get to feel
twice the pain…
That dull, heavy fist
pounding at my chest,
telling me I can’t ever escape.
To get caught up again
in this whirlwind
of adolescent emotions,
Impossible definition
of what it is which
causes so much confusion.
How shameful it is
to acknowledge I
haven’t outgrown
my 14 year old self.
That time when I
simply endured
the hours spent
in that place.
Spent with the likes of you…
perfect little bitches,
thanks
For pushing me in my place,
with those indifferent stares
and false sympathy
I’m still displaced,
I won’t budge anymore,
hope you’re happy.

  ~mje Sunday, October 4, 2009 at 3:14pm

Bored

Almost four am again.. oh, what to do?
Can’t seem to release tension in this letter.
The neck says it’ll be about another
Two-hour struggle with pillows of feather.

Howling winds whisper outside the window,
Can’t seem to feel secure in this hanging tether.
The brain says it’ll be about another
Two-day uncertainty, listening to the news channel.

Cold hands and trembling nerves,
Can’t seem to find warmth in this weather.
The nose says it’ll be about another
Two-week affair with tissues and paper.

  ~mje Sunday, October 4, 2009 at 12:57pm

Glance

He sped by past me fast
Got caught off guard
Looked back to check,
There he really was.

Lungs shut off a sec,
Heart skipped a beat,
Body froze a moment,
Mouth went dry as can be.

I called out excitedly
Thought he'd notice
He kept walking further
Mind in his business.

Face turned flush
Heart sunk down low
Swallow that fleeting hope
Turn my eyes below.

Him… my past life,
Ignored me like usual.
Drag my feet
Embarrassed…
To Walk forward
Without a glance.

  ~mje Saturday, October 3, 2009 at 11:56am

Love

Once upon a nightmare,
Under a reddish moon,
Lives a handsome boy who
Made the hot sun be
nice and uniquely cool.

The blizzard is his doing
It spread a crawling uneasiness
As flowers froze like glass
and gives a pure black shine
In the unmoving darkness of his rule.

I am captured in his viscous will,
trapped by empty loving words.
and my heart can take no more, broken
Myself carelessly cast aside
all under his confused embrace.

How can i end this
choking fragile chains
cut permanently in my soul?
will it break me until nothing's left
Or keep me forever in his commanding charm...
For how long shall i be willingly attached
to this damned attraction?

... sounds seriously different, and it doesn't as much sense
to me than in the original "complex" version. :p

  ~mje Saturday, October 3, 2009 at 11:14am

Moonstruck

Once upon a midsummer nightmare,
Beneath the crimson tinted moon ,
Dwell the godlike lunar emperor who
Made the breath of the hellish fire be as
Enchanting and astonishingly cool.

The midnight tempest comes with his order
Spreads an uneven tide, creeping through
As orchids bloom beneath petrifies like glass
It shines an onyx-y vestal glimmer
In crepuscular quiescence of his rule.

I am but enthralled in his malevolent purpose,
Spellbound by vacant amorous murmur.
Thus my center endured no more, crumbled
My substance inadvertently abandoned
Ultimately beneath his incoherent tenure.

By what means shall I decapitate these
Asphyxiating crystalline lavaliere
Carved indelible in my quintessence?
Shall it wrench me unsparingly to insignificance
Or tarry perpetually to his sovereign allure...
For how long shall i be candidly anchored
in his infernal gravitational pull?

  ~mje Tuesday, September 29, 2009 at 12:02am

Crappy Cleaner

Tired of this familiar pinch in my existence
But welcome it nonetheless
To be useful to you is what I'm made for
So I don’t mind being a brainless sponge
In your presence,
Isn’t it all I’m good for?
Placed here to clean up your messes
to absorb whatever slop you throw at me
Because it’s what I’m supposed to do.

You're stuck in me like soap scum
dried off after being left for a while
I can’t ever scrape you off
no matter what i try
I slowly became dense
For all the time you wrung me out
Still I crave those words that would drown me,
Slightly bitter yet tangy, sweet smelling suds
Formed while you lather me up.

These gaps that wants to be filled
Gets dried up after a while
while my senses got dulled over time
stashed in the corner waiting for you
to use me for all i'm worth,
i know i'm waiting for the time when
you'll get another sponge
a brand new one to replace me
then you'll discard me just like the last one
and spend the rest of my days rotting.


..... so disappointed ........
forgive the crappiness,
lost the original on a glitch,
i'll make a better one.. fudge!
huhuhu... T___T sob*

  ~mje Monday, September 28, 2009 at 10:31pm

Rains, Drains and Brain Pains

Times like this its tempting to just not give a damn about what this already dump-of-a-country is undergoing. It is sad to admit that amidst the idealism of the youth and the willpower of the Filipino spirit, there are factors which comes into play. It feels as though we're playing Mahjong limboing because its following rules of Monopoly.

Hasn't the Philippines had enough? What is the government doing in these already hard times? It is downright frustrating that a little rain pours over our tropical country, floods always end up hassling the nation's "capital" namely NCR and nearby provinces.


The Government

The current administration may be coming to a close, but it is like a short and yet a long road ahead. It will be excruciatingly slow, snail-like pace for this country before the next administration starts. To the ahemm.. presidentiables, is it still worth listening to these people talk? About what they've done and what they're going to do if elected into office. I say that which ever candidates wins the seat in Malacanang, it does not matter much because bureaucracy is still one of the biggest challenge to change anything at all in this country.

How can i show respect for the legislature when only a handful of delegates and congressmen/women and ever so prompt Camara De Representantes are present as much as the full moon. How awesome it is that they only show up when payday is around the corner, when the president has overseas trips, or when there's a controversial bill to throw out. The government should also have a no-work, no-pay policy.

It is a shame that people in authority such as MMDA chief "Bayani" Fernando has the tenacity to spend millions of whom ever's money for TV adverts when we all know that his own workers are underpayed and overworked. To the only son of a deceased leader, is it really worth raising billions of pesos just to spend on a campaign? Commercials bearing the subtitle *paid for by friends of..* does not change the fact that isn't it just money wasted?


The Church

The Philippines is the only Catholic country in Asia, but i guess the term "Separation of Church and State" does not apply here. No matter how much work good-willed legislators work on writing up bills and passing them to congress, one word by the CBCP and poof goes all that hard work. Particularly the Reproductive Health Bill, which is the power in this country? Is it not said in the bible that one cannot serve two masters? It seems that oh the law is still overshadowed by what the people "ordained by God himself" has to say. IMO, Persons who does not practice what they preach are self-righteous liars. Persons who sermon about things that they have no first hand experience to talk about, family life, sex, and contraception, things about husband and wife? Is it not that the work of Jesus' disciples is to lead and teach, not dictate and convince people that what I say goes, do this or else the heavens will bestow upon you its wrath and you will not be blessed.


The People

Right, the illiterate masses which makes up more than half the population. It is a dilemma between sympathy and wanting to blame them for being clueless. The users, used, and the useless. Users: people who take advantage of those who don't know any better, illegal recruiters, snatchers, pushers, pick-pockets, goons, tambays, wannabe gangsters, dirty politicians, crooked officials. They make money off of lying and cheating their peers. Used: addicts, underpayed working poor, domestic helpers, overseas contract workers, soon to be ofw's. Those who hold hope for a better future but end up getting abused or spend years away from their families . Useless: pessimists who don't give a damn about anything because they are too selfish to care.


Figuring out which cause-and-effect is the root of the situation in the Philippines is like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg? or in this case, its more like which spider spun this utterly messy and huge web of social and political problems.


The Point... after going off topic for a long while... i wonder if the Smart Tunnel could ever be applied in the Philippines?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SMART_Tunnel


>>> just ranting out... coz watching the news of all this flooding and "devastation" is simply blood curdling.

  ~mje Saturday, September 26, 2009 at 8:41am

Decide

Inside my head is a million-piece jigsaw puzzle,
I used to think i knew the big picture
After looking at the front of the box once.

Inside my heart is a million-string instrument,
I used to feel i knew the melody of that song
After hearing the masterpiece on the radio once.

Inside my soul is a million-thread count carpet,
I used to understand how each strand was in place
Before i let people step on while passing by.

Inside my body are millions of cells holding me together,
I used to know how to use most of them when i needed to
Before i slowly tore it down coz i don't understand anymore.

Outside my body are a dozen things that made me uneasy,
I used to not care because i was secure it wont affect me later on
After a year into puberty, i realized i was seriously wrong.

Outside my soul are a few blips of different opinions,
I used to listen to each of them intently and sincerely
Until the voices turned to noise and I can't decipher any at all.

Outside my heart are a couple of people who made it dance
I used to let myself be carried away by the carefree and happiness
Until the beat broke both my feet and i was left a cripple.

Outside my head is one simple mystery
I used think about it constantly, concentrating and deliberating,
Until the little gears inside me snapped apart.

Now how am i to decide?

  ~mje Monday, September 21, 2009 at 10:16am

Selfish

I forget where i am. Disappointment stuck in my head. Often times I'd given up on these words that linger and want to be said. I fight with myself on how I can say without being an idiot about it. Making it make sense on paper (or on screen). My words stringed together not just haphazardly.

I'm cold. What i can taste is the bitterness of acid reflux, although i know very well that its not that which is making my stomach churn and turn. I keep thinking, like its an addiction. I want to know and understand. Why it's like soaking in stagnation, unmoving, like catching mold or letting cobwebs form around me.

it comes to knowing how much I am unrealized, within myself. From petty and trivial insecurities to unresolved issues that I've long since set aside, tried burying in locked pages deep beneath my psyche.

I've always been unsure about everything. At some point gained confidence when i thought that I've found myself, through sports, through writing, through being a figure outside of what i pictured in my head. What its been like is like mixing a deadly cocktail of frustration, shame, what ifs, causes, and poor excuses...

Caught in either the blurred past and indefinite future, if not then i'm walking around moving my feet without any clear destination not wanting to think about where i'm heading.

What else is there after doing what I need to do? I'm left with either Feeling or Thinking. oh... the first would be DECIDING after all. Fighting and deliberating in my head. What to do, How to do, When to do, Where to do, Why do? To decide how to feel, when to think, why do i feel and how to appropriately deal. A hundred million simple questions with a hundred million complex answers. where do i start? when does it end?

I am selfish, beyond what i do for my family, it starts and ends with me. That's where my guilt starts, not being sure if i'm still allowed to think that way and feel the way i do. Then i become a hypocrite when i say that i'm being selfless when i give the time and effort to do so. And i build up my shame slowly, thinking of this guilt about being selfish and giving myself the freedom of thinking i have a right to still look for that something else which will give me the satisfaction i yearn for.

I've been missing myself. Looking back to all the connections that I've made and lost. Sad knowing that when i've only started finding the pieces, i'd loose it, leaving gaps in between who i was and what i will be. Its a matter of establishing myself as a someone who is... right now, just a someone. Besides being a daughter, sister, niece, friend, mother? and used to be student, writer, athlete, player... being me is a blank as far as i am comprehending right now. It feels like a void, treading the edge of a rocky and slippery path with bare feet. Where am i heading to? beyond the patience and diligence, the indomitable spirit that i used to swear to and the perseverance to fight, the creativity and tenacity of the words that used to mean something other than just an expression of conflict between logic and emotion.

I need to find her soon, before I give in to merely existing.

  ~mje Friday, August 28, 2009 at 1:44pm

Pasyente

Nagsimula sa simula ng salita.
Ang salitang ugat na taya
Nataya na maging matiyaga,
Hanga't ang itlog ay mailaga.

Galing ba sa hilaga
ang mahiwagang nilaga?
O di kaya sa Kanluran ata.

Ang bayan kung saan
dumadaloy ang maalat na
gatas at mapait na katas
ng mga putakting puti.

Sukatin ang bisa ng bisa,
ang papel na sukat ang
papel ng aking katauhan.
Umpisa o katapusan
ng kinabukasan.

Kinalaman ng karamdaman
sa sakit ng kalamnan
o maging daing ng isipan
tantsahin kung matatagalan
ang simpleng pasensyahan.

Parang walang katapusang
pag-ikot sa larong sungkaan.
Hatid ng paglipas ng segundong
walang siguradong ang taon
ay di sayang na panahon.

Ako'y isang pasyente
sa ospital ng pasensya..
dise-nuebeng taon na
naghihintay sa bisa
ng gamot nang katiyakan
para sa katihimikan
ng isip na walang kapalagayan,
sa katawang naaapektuhan
at sa pusong nahihirapan.

  ~mje Sunday, August 2, 2009 at 4:31pm

Fish

How difficult it is to tell
I'm in love with you?
Like drowning on air
Can't hardly breathe..
Giggling in a corner,
Looking like an idiot..

How difficult is it to admit
not seeing me the same way?
Every time you're with me,
Acting all happy...
but its simply putting up with me.

How long has it been
since I've known you?
Five years passed..
not one thing changed
I'm still a raging idiot,
every time you're near me.

How do i possibly measure out
forgetting about the one?
My heart's worn out
can't remove you still.

as a close friend,
as a shoulder to lean on,
as a person to rely on,
everything except
as your only one.

How difficult is it to accept
I'm still in-love with you?
Drowned on air
Breathing no more..

  ~mje Monday July 20, 2009 at 11:26am

Isda

Gaano kahirap sabihin
na minamahal kita?
Parang nalulunod sa hangin
na 'di makahinga..
Isipa'y tuliro at natutulala
Kinikilig sa san'tabi,
nagmumukha nang tanga..

Gaano kahirap aminin
'di pantay iyong pagkita?
Tuwing ika'y kasama,
kunwari lang masaya...
ngunit yun pala'y
simpleng pakikisama.

Gaano katagal na ba
mula ng kita'y nakilala?
lampas limang taon na..
walang pinagbago ni isa,
ako'y timang na taranta
tuwing lumalapit ka.

Paano maaring matantsa
para makalimot ng iisa?
puso ko'y pagod na...
di maalis na andito ka pa,

bilang malapit na kaibigan,
bilang sandalan sa kagipitan,
bilang isang malalapitan,
lahat pwede maliban...
bilang natatanging kasintahan.

Gaano kahirap maamin
minamahal parin kita?
Nalunod na sa hangin..
Di na humihinga.

  ~mje Monday, July 20, 2009 at 10:50am

Drunk But Sober

She had this awful feeling lingering in the depths of her being... trying to identify it was unnecessary since she's known it far too well, She'd lived with it for as long as she can remember. This is the first time that she's been really alone and by myself for the last 5 years, and here is where she found herself back at that place with the air of dread and angst just looming over. It's the familiarity of space which is certainly a tad surprising and yet comforting in a bad way... thoughts of past mistakes and naivety that comes with youth just seem to tug at her consciousness, teasing endlessly and poking inside her head saying "hey... you can't forget us.." snickering... a better-forgotten memory just nagging at her throat, saying how stupid.. stupid.. stupid.. its futile trying to forget... you can't undo history, live with it... remember it everyday.. don't deal with it, its all you should do.

So its stuck there, brooding... not making one single move. It covers itself and paints the face with shallow giggles and forced smiles, calculated remarks and expected replies. That niceness that covers the tongue like bitter candy you can't swallow nor spit out. That force of madness shaking the very core of sanity, pushing and pulling at the straws of her body... making her heart quiver in fear, flowing down to her toes making it ice cold, and fingers tremble while her throat chokes. It all flows out her eyes and dries up her mind.

She sighs out a long drawn breath, like its her last... wishing it was her last... trying to calm the quivering of her thighs. "You can't shake this off..." her consciousness whispers, "This suffering is inevitable..." her lips utter silently in the reflection. She holds herself down, sitting, grasping at her knees and resting her confused head in between them. How long can you put up with this? How much longer can you just sit there? She exists amongst the rest of them but she doesn't live. Her real consciousness would remain stagnant. It festers beneath that sweet facade of her dream-like everyday monotony... to be left out of what was supposed to be.

Her eyes ache while she tries to keep them closed. A dull pain sweeping over her skin, the sensation of her nerves rebelling against her mind's will. That coldness burns inside her gut... pinching and prickling. She braces herself tightly, moaning in agony...

mje

 Friday, July 17, 2009 at 9:53am

Peel me instead

Seriously why the sudden overflowing sense of wanting to do waterworks? After months and months of ignoring and pent up fewlings... grr. here it is. It crawls around my skin and makes it hard to breathe. Letting salty water droplets from human girl eyes is something which sounds like it'll really hurt... wish someone could just peel my skin off instead, i think this would be a lot more bearable than having to deal with fakelings... grr...

Breathing out makes the sparkly annoying tingly stuff run down my legs. It taunts the tips of my toes to loose whatever amount of heat is still left there to go poof. Curling them even makes it worse, and drawing a quick breath just made the s.a.t.s (sparkly annoying tingly stuff) run from the center of my spine and around my ribs. This is deeply disturbing.

Staring off into the computer screen doesn't help either. Its an awful distraction which lasts only for half a second. Damn this chest feels so heavy, wonder why holding my breath feels a lot more comfortable than breathing? wish someone could tell me... oh but the words echo in my head. "oh yeah.. we already know the reason why.". Secondly, playing dumb is a slightly better distraction coz it allows for hmm.. at least half an hour of playing dumb time.

I close my sleep-deprived eyes, anticipating the coming of sleepiness to befall me. Need to have suggestions for diversionary tactics to keep my mind away from the issues of the heart. Then comes the realization of what's really up my butt to get me this way.

Thus.. i couldn't help but spill my guts to the nearest guy around. good thing he's a great listener who gives revised versions of advice given by my sister earlier last week. Such an awesome guy, thanks for helping me cry a bit and get some tension of my ahemm.. currently puffy bloodshot eyes. He jokingly teases about licking the side of a shot glass and magically getting drunk off of a few drops of vodka. big haha with a side order of tear streaks.

You wipe them away gently and kisses my cheek with your rough unshaved face, it left an itchy patch on my left cheek but thank u very much anyway. I'll let your silly shallow jokes work on me this time, to not let the effort of cheering me up be wasted.

Learning about the petty reason why im all gushy and moody at this moment, he laughed a bit and patted my head. Should it be a comforting comment when you said the very pre-school line "i get upset when you're upset."? And i hide underneath my oversize night shirt, hiding my gushing eyes and immaturely pouting my lips out of embarrassment. Now i have to suck up my childishness and apologize to him properly, donning my fake "im ok" smile so he wouldn't have to worry anymore.

This makes me want to see what people would look like if everybody were a cartoon. No single soul could ever make a fake face because we'd immediately show who and how we are. Its kind of a broad thought, a bit complicated to elaborate on as of this moment.

Still, what is the meaning of this lingering heavy type of cloud inside my ribs? Do i wish to get completely broken off and thrown away? or idly stand by under the hot sun and the cold night and wait for the rain clouds of happiness to shower me with momentary grace? i'm probably just playing dumb again... like sitting still in a stationary roundabout, waiting for something to happen... stalling to find out what comes after this.

sigh* there it is.. the ever eluding sleepiness. So forcefully holding back waterworks but having some seep out actually exhausts the fragile lobes placed on sockets in our heads to the point where it wants to be closed and rested.

the next frontier lies in the realm of mixed imagination, unnecessary thoughts, hidden emoticons, and random electrical nerve twitches... wish me luck! and hopefully i don't wake up drowning in a mixture of drool, tears and snot. i hate waking up all wet and icky.

sore wa... oyasumi deshita..
sayonara.

~meow~ Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 11:15am

 Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 10:23am