Sense.

Sad stories never to be told.
It burned itself into memories.
Solid scars that never fade away.
In the mind and in the heart
They stay carved and slowly
dumb and numb me down.

Dried up tears cover bitterness
As its salt encase this anger.
These eyes grow cold and wrinkled
Dreaming of the missing sweetness,
drowning instead from sour sweat.

Is it scary when the night is naught
dark enough to disappear and hide in?
Shadows linger, so does the meager
existences Clawing at the skin,
Gnawing at the present
Choke out the meaninglessness.
It doesn't go away.

There's no such silence to quiet down
the screaming anguish in this heart.

 Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 10:23am

Purple Haze.

I wonder about a lot of things. Like haze floating in my mind. Perhaps the repetition of the daily routine has taken a toll on me. Tasks are predictable and too mundane for me to gain any sort of excitement or fulfillment from it. Chores are chores. Cooking, Cleaning, doing the laundry, playing with my baby... pretty much everything is only physically draining but its not something that stimulates any other part of me.

Why do i feel like such an idiot doing all these chores... i need to find something to wreak havoc on my brain. I'm lost in my own head, of all things... i am my greatest enemy at this point. I wish to do something more, be a little bit selfish and do something for myself which will bring some sore of fulfillment without feeling guilty that i took time away from my family.

Juggling chores is easy... its a bit sad when i realized that preparing something new and attempting to exert myself in difficult prep work for our nightly meal made me look like a robot. time passes by but my brain stays immobile, hands do all the work and its like going on autopilot. like many things... often times i feel like I'm so out of it.

perhaps my brain is turning into purple ooze after watching too much Barney with my daughter. ahaha... bleeeh..

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 at 8:56am

Books and Movies

This afternoon i got to watch a WWII movie entitled "To end all wars". It was about a british prison camp that Japanese guarded. they talked about bushido and the principles of the sword. Stuff like honor and sacrificing oneself for the sake of a higher-up is actually looked up on.

Things that happen in history always have intrigued me. How conflicts, wars, races, language play such a big role in the molding of the present society. I think about overpopulated world, and how a world war would actually help the planet since it would cut the population. This might sound evil to other people but i do believe that it'll be in the best interest of the world if the population gets cut about a third.

It made me think of how people from the past had much simpler lives. Its just like my high school science teacher said that technology is a double-edged sword. For how much benefits it gives makes the same amount of drawbacks. indeed it is incredibly convinient but it also make people somehow enter into this era of being tied down to it, like being slaves to the convinience of all the gadgetry.

Although its not the same for everyone... perhaps im simply one of those people who have an insatiable appetite for these kinds of things. terabytes, gigahertz, sigh* wishing to have my hands on the latest/greatest piece of technology. i look at it like a necessary evil. my ultimate weakness. drooling over high-performance video grafix cards and uber fast processors. i go gaga reading about core 2 quad and 6700 series. might as well just kick myself in the head coz i'd like nothing better than have 20 tabs of webpages, listening to music while chatting up with 3 different chat networks and playing an online mmo. Funny isn't it? i guess its partly coz i'm a girl, just so typical of me to have 10 things on my mind at the same time.

So just like today's entry, i've passed more tha 5 points without really a central idea. Just to pass time, and to release some brain tension. sigh*

écrire ~ Friday, May 22, 2009 at 12:54pm

happy? birthday.

There is something about holidays and special days that bug me. Days which are supposed to be celebrated and are happy about seem to hold a sore spot when i think about it. Although i do enjoy attending other people's birthdays, i tend to become gloomy whenever holidays like Christmas, New Years, and my birthday comes around. Its like a time where i end up forcibly trying to make happy memories when all i remember are sad ones.

Its just like looking at photo albums and thinking back to when those snapshots of our past was taken. And i annoy myself whenever i become so melodramatic about blah and blah. I loose myself in the points that i try to make. Trying to string together the right words is already challenging enough.

So for the past week, I've been racking my brain for ideas of what to do to celebrate... activities, or places to go to... which dishes i would prepare or just pick out a restaurant to eat at. It almost end up drawing a blank, like not wanting to do anything, not prepare anything. A stalling mechanism, wishing to put off an unwelcome day. 'Coz on this day, i get to think back on all other past birthdays...

The idea of simply being happy to be alive for one more year and thanking God that we're all alive and healthy kind of looses its point with me. Does that make me an ungrateful person? right now im thinking of a church that i've never been to. over the years, its kind of been the highlight of a birthday... getting to visit a church and making a wish. Wishing i knew what to wish for, specific things that are achievable. Perhaps just hoping to have enough courage to keep holding on the thought of getting through what tomorrow will bring.

But it comes down to 24 hours which is supposedly mine... but its just like any other day of the year, except its supposed to mean something. Another year will start for me, wonder if im really a year wiser? hopefully its not a year dumber. haha!

écrire~ Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 10:58am

Thoughts on Boredom

Why am I so freaking bored? Despite the fact that I am on the PC…
browsing the internet and waiting for things to load doesn’t cut it one bit.
Im freaking annoyed and it feels like im going to loose my temper any moment.
Maybe it has something to do with growing up in a society where instant gratification is the thing, if you don’t get it now, its just uber annoying… I want it now, I mean right now, this second and I don’t even have the patience to wait things out for even just another minute. I think the biggest paradox of the times is how much this fast paced world made such lazy asses in the end. Lots of people just want to sit down in front of their tvs, pcs, video consoles, cellphones, mp3 players and bum out while stimulating their brains. And im ashamed to say im one of those people.

Its like this brain-itch, a never ending itch of wanting and needing useless information and stimulus…
the real world doesn’t cut it… it’s a bit confusing. As much as I value my time out in the “real world”, everything still feels so surreal… I wonder why its like this? i dont know the answer myself. Despite having the tools to explore and learn about anything and everything that i could ever think of, im left with an overwhelming sense of being powerful yet utterly powerless in the midst of it all. Because of the limited-ness, and being held inside this imaginary box in front of me... limited to what screens can show, of how my senses perceives the world around me. of 30-minute programs, and one hour specials, of the limited bandwidth by which i can receive information. and i am in a constant state of wanting more and more, like im a greedy little pig wanting to fill my eyes with new pictures until it dries out,
my brain wanting to be full of useless trivias from watching shows like "how stuff works" and "everything you need to know" to fill in the gaps of blah in my head.

Perhaps it is the norm, and there is no need to be alarmed since it is human nature
to be naturally curious, wanting to learn about something interesting although
its something that has little or no value, amazingly unimportant. sigh*
Still, its this constant brain itch and restlessness that i need to wean myself off of,
because I only annoy myself in the end, just feel like wanting to stick a fork in my brain and
hopefully quieting it down. haha... such twisted thoughts... and even so, ill continue staring
into screens filled with random things, to overstimulate and exhaust my consciousness.

~mje .. écrire ~ Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 9:22am

trois lines

How tired do you need to get?
before realizing this shi* aint worth it
numb down as a rock
threw yourself deep in a trench
and yet you linger in human form.

Nowhere near perfection
you play her with deception
the muffled scream you utter alone
in your confused head.

Steel scalding your porcelein skin
wishing you were dead
Worthless crimson flows
from veins you disclosed
No more tears
A sigh of relief
anger slowly released...

03.03.04. 14:20p